TO BE
by sakura-sleep the shaman queen
Summary: Title was taken from Ayumi's song. It's true that you don't need the words 'I love you', but you really should use some words before it's too late! YAOI, tezu x fuji


**DISCLAIMER: **TENIPURI and all the stuffs are MINE ALONE. Ouch… ouch… stop it!! *Hit by some tomatoes from konomi-sensei and the fangirls*

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **Well I don't know if the story sucks or not. Sigh… I'm getting too old…  *cough cough* … no future can't be seen… the end is near… and so I face the final curtain…  ('My way' by Frank Sinatra)

**Tezuka: **She's been like that lately… please bear with it. Sigh…

**Fuji: **If you think this story is sucks, then please kill her and end her suffering. ^^

TO BE 

"Echizen, stop your cockiness. It makes me sick. Eiji, you're too loud. Shut your mouth, brat. Oishi, stop worrying about every unnecessary thing. Momo, you're such a powerhouse. Control your energy, you damn. Taka, stop shouting with English words. Love Japanese a bit." 

"Shhhhhhhh…….."

"And stop hissing, you Mamushi."

Everybody on the court sweat dropped. 

"Hoi-hoi, he called Kaidoh 'Mamushi'? What's with the Buchou? Is he okay?" Eiji whispered at Oishi's ear beside him, while the vice-captain could only lifted his shoulders confusedly. The other regulars stared at the captain as if he was a weirdo, and looked at each other. 

"He said I'm 'damn', Echizen… " Momo grieved to the small guy beside him who was drinking a can of grape flavoured 'PONTA'. 

"And he said I make him sick. Mada mada dane." Added Ryoma before he slurped his juice again, and stole a sight at a glasses man who was busy writing on a notebook. "There he goes again…"

A marvelous cling appeared at the glasses guy's invincible eyes. "Hmmm…. Ii data. So Tezuka is in a slump lately, ever since…." 

"I HEARD THAT, INUI." Tezuka glared at the data-man with a deadly gaze that money can't buy. "Now everybody, DISMISSED!!" 

Right after the captain left the place, all regulars gathered around Inui and gossiped with each other, predict all the possible reasons of Tezuka's weirdness. But still they hadn't got any clue until Sadaharu Inui open his notebook and declare the data. 

"Tezuka Kunimitsu, captain of Seigaku's tennis club. Birthday 7th October, Zodiac Libra, left-handed, and very popular among women. He's…"

"STOP THAT, we know it already, Inui!" Eiji cut the data-man's line impatiently and put a pissed face.

"Hmm… then…  according to the data I've took, the captain seems to act weird lately due to a reason…"

Everybody swallowed. 

"Hmm… I can't believe you didn't realize it. He's been like that ever since Fuji skipped the club activities since 3 days ago, and today is the worst." Inui closed his notebook. "Eiji, you're his classmate. Don't you know where is he going?" 

"I don't know, he comes late almost everyday lately and I always forget to ask him why did he skipped the club." Eiji answered. "It's strange… it's not like him to be late. Everyone in the class says that! Maybe he's in a slump too?? If that so, slump is indeed a spreading disease…" 

"Something strange going on here…" Inui said silently. 

*****

_Dare mo ga toorisugiteku ki ni mo tomenai_

_Doushiyou mo nai_

(Everybody would pass; I don't keep it in mind. It can't be helped.) 

_Sonna garakuta mo taisetsusou ni kakaeteita_

(You keep holding that junk as if it's something precious) 

_Mawari wa…_

Tezuka stopped his song. He cursed himself for being trapped in his room and sang Hamasaki Ayumi's mellow song 'To be' with an old guitar, rather than doing something he's in urge to do at that moment. But he tried to forget the twisted mind and continued the song. 

_Mawari wa fushigi na kao de sukoshi hanareta bashou kara miteta_

(People see you from far away with a strange face)

_Soredemo waratte itte kureta 'takaramono da' to_

(Even so you smiled and said to me, 'this is treasure')

He stopped again. The breeze from outside the window tickle his nose, reminded him of yesterday's shocking incident. 

(flashback)

"Fuji, you…"  Tezuka stopped his step as he saw the Tensai was sitting on the floor, leaning his back against the class corner. Since he held his knee and buried his face under his arms, Tezuka couldn't see whether he was sleeping, smiling, or just stunning. It was raining so hard outside for the classroom was as gloomy as the sky, overflowed the situation with cold and loneliness. It's too astonishing to see such glass doll could remain here, in this creepy place. 

He could only hid his questions behind his stoic face, and realized that Fuji seemed so futile inside the darkness. Tezuka closed the door that he just entered from and cause a squeaking sound let out from the door's bottom. He walked slowly towards the opened window and closed it, before stole a gaze at Fuji with the corner of his eyes. 

"I've been looking for you and didn't expect to see you here. Why did you skip the club?" Tezuka's deep voice disappeared among the beating sound of the rain, before a bolt stroke. He tried to be calm and wise as a captain but still he couldn't vanish the awkwardness from his voice. Which was even surprising, he didn't order Fuji to run over the laps right away for skipping the club, but only stared at the guy's hazel hair silently. He examined every trace of Fuji's figure from the distance, demanding for a reply act.  

Slowly and weakly, Fuji raised his face and looked up, straight to Tezuka. His mouth was moving as if he was murmuring something, but no voice could be heard. What made the buchou shivered was the emptiness of Fuji's gaze. His eyes were directed at Tezuka, but he felt as if Fuji's mind was flying somewhere among the rain. A bad feeling crawl over Tezuka's spine.

"Fuji?" He walked towards the smaller boy quickly, drove by his worry. He kneeled down right in front of Fuji and stared at the empty eyes before gripped Fuji's small shoulders and shook them over and over. "Fuji, what's wrong with you!?"

"Uhm…?" Fuji's eyelids were trembled for a moment before they finally closed. His mouth was half opened.

_This is bad._

Tezuka shook his head to get the prediction away from his head, and search for another possible reason of Fuji's weirdness. 

"Fuji, are you drunk?" He touched Fuji's cheek. It's warm. Then he realized that he asked a wrong question since he couldn't smell the scent of alcohol from Fuji. Not a scent of alcohol. Tezuka's sight stopped at an extraordinary wound on Fuji's pale wrist. 

"Fuji! Since when did you involve with this kind of world!?" 

Tezuka's voice roared through the empty corridor and echoing together with the sound of downpour rain. The Tensai only shook his head slowly. Too slow. The captain sighed and circled his arms around Fuji's waist to lift him up, for he regret it that he was just too close. The unconscious guy leaned his body forward on Tezuka's, and the captain was just going to drag him away from that place when an empty injection fell to the floor. 

Tezuka's grip on Fuji's shirt was getting tighter, like releasing his shock and tried to disbelieve the unbelievable fact. "As… I thought…" He whispered silently. In the other hand, Fuji was too busy with his hallucination to even answer. 

"I'll bring you home…" The captain bent down to carry him on, but Fuji grabbed his wrist. Those eyes of blue ocean colors stared at him weakly, as if they were saying 'not home'. He caressed his captain's cheek and smiled. Tezuka didn't even know whether it's because of him or the hallucinogen. 

"Tezuka-kun…"

(End of flashback)

The ringing sound of the cell phone broke his thought. He took the phone from his table and saw the name on the screen: INUI.

He rejected the phone. 

Then he just sat at the floor again when the second ringing sound heard. He saw his cell phone's screen: INUI.

He rejected the phone again. 

Tezuka sighed and dropped his cell phone on the bed, when the third ringing sound heard. It's enough. He grabbed the phone and answered it cynically. 

"What???"

"Ah, Tezuka." Tezuka's eyes were wider when he heard the voice. _Wait. It can't be…_

He looked at the cell phone's screen, and saw a name: FUJI

"Fuji…!"

"Ne, are you busy Tezuka?"

"Fuji! You…"

"How about going out with me now?" The Tensai really made him speechless. Tezuka frowned and felt uneasy. 

"What? You…"

"Yumiko-neechan is working and Yuuta… well you know he's in the dormitory! I'm so lonely at home. Would 'watch a movie' sound interesting to you?" 

"Fuji! I…"

"No? Well, how about amusement park?"

"Wait, but you…"

"Good. I'll be waiting you there at 5 o'clock! Don't be late, OK!"

The phone was closed. Tezuka stared at the phone and threw it onto his bed. 

_What was he thinking?_

(Near the amusement park's gate)

"Fuji!" 

Tezuka ran towards the guy who was waiting for him with a smile. The smile was so usual, like any other day, as if nothing had happened. Fuji was wearing a blue shirt that suited his eyes very much, and made him looks very pretty. The soft sunshine made it clearer that he seemed obviously thinner and paler even more, and Tezuka knew why. Well, it didn't change his beauty even a bit. The Tensai showed his famous angelic smile when saw his captain running hurryingly. 

"Ma-ma-, Tezuka. You don't have to be hurry! It's still 15 minutes before 5 o

Clock." Fuji laughed. Tezuka didn't laugh, only stared at the guy in front of him.

"Huh? What's wrong?" Fuji asked him confusedly. 

"What's wrong? Come with me." The captain grabbed Fuji's hand and dragged him along the way, with hands intertwined right between them. "Tezuka! You like park so much, huh? Be patient, I know you really want to try the roller coaster!" Fuji laughed cheerfully again and followed his tempered captain's lead with no rejection while all the people around looked at them and whispered suspiciously. 

Tezuka stopped at a secluded narrow street between cafés' and managed his breath. Crowds didn't seem to disturb as much as before, and Fuji could only wait patiently for his action with eyes closed and such silly face of him. "Huh? Oh, are you hungry Tezuka? Then lets eat. I like the ramen they made on this café…" 

"Don't treat me like a fool or pretended to be fool, Fuji." Tezuka grabbed his shoulders and pressed him against the building's wall. 

Surprisingly, the Tensai smiled. "Don't say like that, you remind me of my bad mark for mathematic exam a week ago…"

Tezuka slapped him.

Fuji silenced, and slowly lifted hand to rub his cheek. 

"That's hurt." He opened his eyes and replied Tezuka's gaze with the first serious expression ever. Tezuka put his hands away from Fuji's shoulder.

"You forced me to do it." 

"Why?" 

"You know why."

"I mean, why do you wanted to know?"

"I'm the captain." Tezuka answered. Fuji stop rubbing his cheek and patted his captain's arm with a smile. "That's not convincing enough. Try another reason!" 

Tezuka sighed a heavy breath and hardened his trembling fist. He closed his eyes and tried hard to hold the 'almost at the limit' emotion. 

_Right…I have no choice but to deal with this mocker…_

"All people worried about you."

"You can tell them that I'm fine." 

"But you're not."

"I am, so try another reason." He smiled calmly. 

"You've been skipping the club since 3 days ago." 

"Then punish me." 

"Stop it, Fuji. Please…" 

"Fine. Then let's try the roller coaster." 

Tezuka said nothing. He lifted his head and saw the guy's eyes for a short moment before he closed his eyes again. Still as blue as ever. 

_Why can't I understand you? _

For hours, Tezuka could only accompany Fuji in the amusement park, while held all the mazes, worries and curiousity inside, covered by a plain face. He sighed over and over everytime Fuji screamed amusedly at the carrousel; when he pointed on a pink horse he longed to ride on, in the roller coaster; he shouted when the coaster reversed and made Tezuka's ear deft, and when he forced Tezuka to eat the triple scoops ice cream while the stoic guys like him seem always hate sweets. But still, Tezuka granted his every wish while thinking about an extraordinary method to make the extraordinary person explained the reason for his drug using_. Make him drunk? No, that's not good…_

"Tezuka!" Fuji's clear voice broke his thought. 

"What?"

"Come here!" He saw Fuji was in the middle of many people holding rifles in front of a kiosk. The captain grumbled inside and stepped closer to the crowd. It's a shooting place; you know, where after you paid to get a chance to shoot, an item that you've shot become yours. 

"I want that pig!"  Fuji pointed at a fat stuffed pig, wearing a tiny red t-shirt with the word 'Te-chan' written on it. The toy was smiling like an idiot, sat nicely on the shelf.  

_'Te-chan'… hmmm… now I get his point. This jerk…_

A 'playless' guy like Tezuka absolutely never had a chance to try this kind of game before, in spite the fact that he has no sibling and furthermore never had a lover.  And now, this bewildered being near him whine for it out of the blue. He wondered how many trouble had Fuji caused for him before. At the end he said, "Fuji, I've never played this kind of game before." 

"Then why don't you try."

"Why don't you try it yourself then."  Tezuka glared at the Tensai. 

"No… I want to accept that pig from you…" Fuji showed his 'no-one-could-ever-resist' blue eyes, and united his both hands to make a 'begging' position. Of course, the poor captain couldn't stand it. He threw his sight to the stuffed pig 'Te-chan' which seemed to smile humiliatingly at him.  

"The pig is so cute…" Fuji started his begging again. "Just like you…" He continued his line. 

Tezuka sighed. Don't know how many times for this day. _There he goes again…_

"Anyway, I wonder if I may call you Te-chan…"  

_I get your point already…_

"Okay, I'll try it." Tezuka cut Fuji's line with such high tone. Fuji could only chuckled seeing the red ears of Tezuka.

The captain took a rifle reluctantly and peered at the target: 'The Te-chan of Love'

"YOSH! GANBATTE, TE-CHAN!!" Fuji screamed and Tezuka blushed. Everybody was looking at them. 

DAR!!!

Wrong target! The fake bullet almost hit Te-chan's feet, but unfortunately Tezuka's hands were slipped and it hit the gap between Te-chan and another item. 

"Ne, Te-chan. It's bad to disappoint people, you know?"  Commented Fuji. 

_Gosh… I'll kill you later… really, I mean it, jerk…_

Poor Te-chan… uhm I mean Tezuka tried for the second time.

DAR!!!

Success! The bullet hit Te-chan perfectly, and the fat pig soon became Fuji's. The Tensai smiled happily and thanked Tezuka over and over, made him melted and didn't have a heart to be angry. 

****

It was late at night when Fuji finally ended his happy-happy day and decided to go home. The stars were flickered beyond them; accompany them all the way. Tezuka stole a sight at the beautiful guy beside him who was tightly holding the Te-chan and tried to guess the reasons of Fuji's behaviour. He still couldn't get a conclusion at all, and almost ask about it when he heard Fuji was humming a familiar mellow song silently. 

_ookina nani ka o te ni irenagara ushinatta mono mo atta kana_

(While I'm gaining something big, I wonder if there's something I've lost.)

_ima to natte wa mou wakaranai yo ne_

(I still don't understand about 'now')

_torimodoshita tokoro de kitto bimyou ni chigatte iru hazu de___

(The place I've regained is slightly different)

The reff part was too high for Fuji's voice to reach, so he stopped singing. 

"You like Hamasaki Ayumi?" Tezuka asked it, and ended up cursed himself for asking such useless question that totally different from what he aimed to ask. 

"Not really… only that song." 

"Sou ka. Same with me."

"I know it. You always sing it when you're alone."

_He knew it?_ Tezuka blushed. But then he encouraged himself to ask the important question.   
"You haven't told me the reason, Fuji." 

"There is no reason." Surprisingly, Fuji answered it. At least he didn't play him around like before. He looked at his captain eyes. "I can't answer your question, cause I really have no reason…" 

"I can't understand you…"

"You don't have to." The Tensai smiled again. Tezuka felt a mysterious sensation rose inside his chest. 

They stopped in front of Fuji's residence, and spent some minutes in silent before Fuji turned his back against Tezuka and opened the gate. "Thanks for today, Tezuka." He didn't face the guy while saying the words. The stoic guy felt as if he wanted to throw a rope and tied Fuji down, but he could only said "Umm."

Tezuka was just turned his back and half-heartedly walked away, when Fuji's call surprised him.

"Tezuka!"

Right after the captain turned around again to face him, Fuji struck himself against Tezuka and grabbed the guy's shirt front side, buried his face on Tezuka's chest. It made the captain's heart beating really fast, and he was too shocked to say anything but touched Fuji's fingers. They were cold and trembling. He heard a silent gasps from the blue-eyed guy. 

"Fu… Fuji…" 

The Tensai didn't answer, only strengthened his embrace and hid his crying face. Tezuka felt a sense of warm water touched his chest and trembled him with an unexplainable tingling effect. "Fuji, what happened?" He ran his hand through Fuji's hair gently, and the other hand was holding Fuji's shoulder. A pain rose badly inside Tezuka's chest as he discovered how fragile the guy he considered a 'jerk' inside his embrace. And he just cursed him over and over. And this guy who was crying inside his arms like a baby, was the one who cunningly trifled him with silly words. The irony was too drastic for him to understand. He's dying to know why; he could even die in the need to know why. Too much 'why' words swimming in his head. 

"Don't say anything, Tezuka. Don't say anything. Just hold me."  Begged the guy. Tezuka circled his hands around Fuji's shoulder and pressed his forehead on the guy's head. 

"Tell me, what should I do to make you happy." He whispered in Fuji's ear and felt a heavy pressure annoyed him. He felt like he couldn't hold back tears, but no tear could fall from his eyes. He's just too cold to cry. He cupped his hands on both sides of Fuji's head and lifted him. As if the Tensai refused to show his crying face, he threw a sight at the gray street. Tezuka stunned for a moment before he rubbed the guy's tears with his warm fingers, but Fuji grabbed the fingers away. He decreased the distance between their faces and pressed his lips against his captain. 

It's not only a kiss. Tezuka could feel that Fuji shared all his emotion; pain, sorrow and anger. He felt that Fuji is a time bomb that seems to blow out soon by any kinds of rejection. He felt as if electricity was spread over his body, for he stroke Fuji's cheek gently and played idly with Fuji's hair. 

Fuji could feel the warmness of Tezuka wrapped him. It's strange. A cold person like Tezuka have the warmest lips he could never imagine, while he knew that his own lips were cold. 

They finally parted. 

Without saying anything, Fuji released his grip on Tezuka's sleeve and walked away towards the house door. 

"Fuji!" 

The Tensai stopped and only let Tezuka to see his back.

"Don't cry, Fuji… otherwise I'll tell everyone in the club that the Tensai Fuji Syusuke is a crybaby."

Fuji closed the door without seeing Tezuka's face for the last time nor saying anything, and left his captain in the darkness.  Tezuka wanted to shout, to scream and beg. But no voice could come out from his throat. 

_Tell them. And I'll be proud to say that I was crying because of you._

_*****_

_jibun jishin datta ka mawari datta ka soretomo tada no tokei datta kana kowaresou ni natte'ta mono wa_

(Was it myself? Was it the people? Or was it only a clock? The thing that seemed like it would break)

*****

To Kunimitsu Tezuka, Seigaku would seemed usual like any other day if only Inui, Taka, Oishi and Eiji didn't abruptly appear at Tezuka's class, bringing a shocking news. 

"Tezuka! Fuji has moved!"  Oishi shouted that frightful words right beside his ears. Tezuka felt as if he was stabbed with a knife, and slightly felt betrayed. His eyes plunged wide and trembled all over his body. _What?_

"Nyaaaahh!! I don't know, I was passing in front of the teacher's room when I heard his sister said thank you and apology and all that craps to Fuji's teacher!" Eiji added it nervously, confusedly rubbing his head. __

_Damn… That jerk… I won't forgive him…_

"It seems like his movement had been planned since a long time, Tezuka. He just didn't tell us. Not even a single reason. What will you do, Te…" Inui stopped his line when he realized that the guy he was talking to had disappeared.

(On Fuji's residence)

Tezuka had run all the way, didn't care about the school craps he thought useless now. Still difficult to restore his breath normally, he rang the bell. A beautiful young lady he recognized as Fuji's sister opened the door. She looked surprise when she saw Tezuka, but then smiled gently to the guy. 

"Tezuka-kun, Fuji has left this morning. Now I'm packing the things to move as well." 

He gasped. Something's cracking inside his chest.

"Yumiko-san, may I now the reason of his movement?"

"Slow down, Tezuka-kun. Let's come in and sit down."

Tezuka followed the woman impatiently to the living room, and sat face to face on a red maroon sofa. 

"I'm not supposed to tell you this. But please, don't tell anyone." The woman started. "I bet you know… that he's addicted to drugs?" 

"Why??" Tezuka interrogated.

"We don't know. And he said that he has no reason. Well, you don't have to know how our family turned into hell because of it, but don't worry. it's not that bad. Fortunately he hadn't try further, and before that happened, we decided to move him far away to avoid the bad socialization he had steeped on." 

"…"

"If only you knew, Tezuka-kun…"

"May I know his address?"

Yumiko smiled. "I'm afraid I can't. He forbid me to tell it to anyone, especially you." 

_Fuji… why did you do that?_

"Well… yokatta ne you came here. I just planned to visit you at school."

"What? Why?"

"Fuji told me to give you this." Yumiko handed a big brown covered box. Tezuka stared at the gift in his hand, before he asked for a permission to leave. . 

Yumiko stared at the guy's back as he left, and sighed. 

_If only you knew, Tezuka-kun… how hard we forced him to move, how he begged and cried. If only you knew, his effort to stay by your side. If only you knew…_

*****

Tezuka lay aimlessly on his bedroom floor, starring at the ceiling. This heavy pressure he felt since yesterday didn't seem to disappear even a bit. 

He felt something disappeared inside his heart. Emptiness. A hole existed out of nowhere. He shut his eyes tightly before grabbed the brown covered box, stared at it for a long time, and finally tore its cover.

A fuzzy feeling wrapped his heart as he held the thing inside the box. 

It was Te-chan. 

He realized that there's still another thing beside Te-chan inside the box.

A cassette.

Tezuka frowned and felt slightly confused, then he took the radio and played the cassette on it. The familiar mellow song sang by a lady was heard, it seemed like the cassette wasn't restarted from the beginning on purpose. 

He stunned as the melody covered the air. 

_kesshite kirei na maru ni wa narenai keredo ne ibitsu ni kagayaku yo_

(Even though you'll never be perfect, you shine in your imperfection)

_kimi ga mitsuketa hiroku mo nai konna michi de_

(The path you found isn't wide)

_kimi ga mitsuketa hiroku mo nai semaku mo nai konna michi de dou ni ka shite kimi ga hitori migakiageta_

(The path you found isn't wide, it isn't narrow, somehow you alone have made it better for me)

_kimi ga ita kara donna toki mo waratte'ru yo_

(Because you were there, in any kinds of situation, I could laugh.)

_kimi ga ita kara donna toki mo waratte'ru yo naite iru yo ikite ita yo_

(Because you were there, in any kinds of situation, I could laugh. I could cry. I could live.)

_kimi ga inakya nani mo nakatta_

(If you're not there, there's nothing.)

And for the first time ever, tears fall from the stoic guy's eyes.

::Owari::

**Author's note:** I'm sorry for the suckness!!! I know it sucks!! I'll make a better one in the next story! T_T For now on, please deal with it. Sighhhh…… *drowned in tears*

By the way I translated the lyrics not in a perfect literal way, (like 'doushiyou mo nai' means like 'it can't be asked why' (it's strange, huh?) so I translated it as 'It can't be helped'. Approximately the meaning is same. 

. 


End file.
